January 3, 2012

Happy New Year!

That's what everyone says, at least.  The past 4, 5 or 6 New Years I have found myself not so much celebrating the new year, but wondering, with a bit of dread, what these next unknown 365 days have in store for me.  I try to shake it off, like a boxer shakes off a glancing blow to the jaw - but the ominous mood still hangs overhead. 

Last year, as the new year came, I was sick and couldn't hear much of anything but my own voice.  Couple that with my best friend's father-in-law dying, as well as my employer dying (within one week of each other) and I felt totally fine with taking to my bed for at least a week...only to get up for my yearly mammogram, which came out "suspicious."  The next few weeks were a fight for my perspective. 

Now, I find myself in the same frame of mind.  Another mammogram looming, my cousin suddenly losing the love of his life, and my dear sweet dog quickly succumbing to the effects of diabetes.  Life does not go the way we want it to, always in a state of flux.  As I get older that flux is usually not a good thing.  Rather than losing a boyfriend when we're young - which is sad, but usually followed up with a new, exciting "love" - we lose a loved one for good in our old days.  Rather than uprooting and moving to a new city when we're young - again very sad, yet exciting because of all the new sights and opportunities - in the latter years we watch our kids pull out of the driveway, taking our precious grandchildren out of our everyday lives.

Sometimes I get jealous of people who bounce, who make life work for them.  I look at them scampering to and fro, seemingly as carefree as the squirrels that run along the top of my fence...busy, busy, busy.  I watch them to see what it is that keeps them so seemingly happily occupied.  They come home with shopping bags, grocery bags, gym bags, etc.  That's all good.  Nothing wrong with bags!!  I hope to be carrying some bags in the house before too long, as well.  I just need to take a break from bags this new year.  I believe I need to quiet myself before the Lord and tell Him of my fears, my sadness, my longings and my sins.  I can't go on with this new year until I talk to Him, read His Word, hunker down under my covers and let Him transform my perspective to His perspective.  It's not until I go to Him that I can be of any use to Him... to anyone.  It is not until I strengthen myself with His words that I can face, head on, the next 365 days.  It is not until I remember that I have life eternal with Him that I can shake off any feeling of dread.  Father, I know You are with me in EVERYTHING.  There is nothing I can't handle as long as I am Yours and You are mine.  Rather than Happy New Year! I think I should say, I wait with excitement to see what God unfolds.

I have kept a journal off and on for many years now.  That was my journal entry for January 3, 2012.  I meant every word I wrote.  But I had no idea how true those words would be in less than 6 weeks.  I did go to my mammogram appointment, along with my other two annual doctors' appointments.  I received a phone call on the morning of February 15 from one of my doctors asking me to come to his office that afternoon.  Somewhat scared, I called my husband and my younger son.  My son ended up going with me.  Unbeknownst to me, my husband was waiting in the parking lot.  It was at this appointment I learned I had a rare form of cancer.  From that day I have experienced the joy, love and peace of God through His body - the church.  My pastor and friends have encouraged me to share my journey.  I do not fancy myself a writer.  And it is difficult to share my innermost thoughts.  But I do want to share how the Lord has blessed me through this situation.  So from time to time I will be posting entries.  I hope the blessings I have received and continue to receive will bless you as well.

.