We fix our eyes not on what is seen...

Some people have asked why I chose to title this blog "Cracked Pot".  My dear friend, Jeanne Terry, sent a card to me after finding out about my diagnosis and in it she wrote, "from one crack pot to another."  It was in reference to her favorite scripture that she has quoted to me many times throughout the numerous trials in my life.  The scripture is II Corinthians 4:7-18, which refers to us as jars of clay. Our physical bodies are earthen vessels, cracking and eroding from the stresses of life.  But as Christians, we carry within us the death and resurrection of our Savior as our treasure.  The brilliant light of His life shines through our cracks and His all-surpassing power is made perfect in our weakness.

"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."  II Corinthians 4:18

Journal Entry February 20, 2012

Well, I had my mammogram and everyone seems to think it's okay.  Two more appointments to go.  Man, I wish I hadn't scheduled all my doctors' appointments in January!  I have had a suspicious looking skin-change for quite some time.  My doctor has not seemed to be too concerned, so I wasn't either.  This appointment I decided to ask him if he thought it could be cancer.  He said, "Well, let's do a biopsy."  I was all for it - better safe than sorry, right?  So, honestly I really didn't think too much about it and waited for a phone call on Valentine's Day, one week after the biopsy. No call on V-day.  I wondered if they didn't call because they had bad news and did not want to ruin a perfectly romantic date night.  The next day I got the call about 10:30.  My stomach and heart sank.  The nurse said the doctor needed me to come into his office for a consultation.  I said, "Can't you just tell me over the phone?"  The answer was "No, honey, I can't."  Say no more.  This is not going to be simple.

I called Hunter to see if he could look up my biopsy at the hospital. (Hunter is my younger son in his third year of med school.)  He said no.  He did say he would write down some questions to ask and tried to acquaint me with some of the possibilities this biopsy uncovered.  He met me at the doctor's office and asked, "Would you want me to come in with you?"  I did.  I am so glad he was there as the doctor sat down and immediately said, "It is melanoma." (a rare form)  Neither Hunter nor I were expecting the worst case scenario.  We just stared at the doctor as he nodded his head up and down for what seemed to be an eternity.  I wanted to ask, "Is there any good news?", but feared the answer and kept my mouth shut.  With nothing positive coming out of the doctor's mouth all I could think of was, "Get me out of this hell-hole."  I think I muttered, "It's okay, I'll be alright" to him as we left, but I could feel my blood pressure skyrocketing.

I went into my mantra immediately - God is in control of my life.  He knows the day I'm coming home...etc., etc.  Gary and Hunter nodded in agreement.  At home, Gary quickly called Garrett (our older son) and Hunter got on the computer.  I talked myself down a number of times as I felt panic ensue.  Each freaked out thought of death was followed by a spike in my blood pressure.  My mouth went completely dry and I bounced back and forth between wanting to puke and pass out.  I don't remember how long it took me to realize I could not go on like that.  I would not go on like that.

I cannot remember if it was that night or the next, but I finally stopped trying to be strong and fell in a heap before the Lord and begged Him to help me.  It was immediately that I felt I had an answer - die to yourself.  And it made perfect sense.  Because all I could think about was me, I was miserable.  Die to my obsessing thoughts.  Die to my fears.  Look to the Lord.  Also, I did not want this diagnosis to take me out of life and living!  Dying to myself and my thoughts about myself - and living to love and serve others was what made me truly happy.  My attitude and mood changed that night that I begged the Lord for help.

Since then I have had set-backs.  The day I went to see the oncologist was the worst.  I had spent many days focusing on the Lord rather than myself and my visit to Dr. Oakley made me focus on myself and my cancer.  I don't think I had stuck my head in the sand, but Kim and Hunter were the ones researching the type of cancer I have and they were the ones dealing with the cold, hard facts.  I was just trying to live life focusing on the Lord and his perspective.  Gary and Kim did all the talking at the appointment while I just kind of sat and listened to the depressing facts - one of which was that the lesion was very deep and of course had been there for quite some time.  When we left the hospital, the sunny morning had turned into a gloomy day with gray clouds hanging down so low I felt I could reach up and touch them.  God knows how I hate to not see the sun. He knows how my moods are so affected by whether or not I see the sunlight.  God is in control of EVERYTHING and He allowed that day to be as ominous as any day I had ever seen.

When we came home, Gary, Kim and Hunter began discussing my treatment/surgery as I sat on the couch, quietly falling deeper and deeper into a depressed state the more and more I focused on me, my cancer, and - scariest of all - the possibility of cancer keeping me in bed, hospitals, treatment rooms, etc., rather than out enjoying life and people.  I went upstairs to bed and tried to pray, but fell asleep.  When I awoke it was 5:00 p.m. - time to walk our dog, Atticus.  Gary was beside me...snoring.  I don't know why, but that added to my depression.  I felt so all alone.  I went downstairs and got Atticus.  We walked out into the gloom. I looked up at the sky and cried, "Help me, Lord."  The trees - bare and dark - looked like jutting spears.  The wind was seriously howling and buffeting me.  I thought, "I wouldn't mind if the wind just cracked one of those jutting spears and stabbed me in the heart!"  Whew...bad scene.  Just then - as if things could not get any worse - the slight rain turned into little bits of hail and to add insult to injury I was smacked upside the face with those little suckers.  The physical landscape matched the landscape of my soul.  I felt I had lost my focus and couldn't find the Lord.

In the past, I have struggled with depression.  The sunlight, or should I say the lack of sunlight, has always had an effect on my mood.  January through March has never been my favorite time of year.  But, as I have grown spiritually, God has over and over again made me aware that my moods and feelings don't last...they are temporary.  Yet, I have allowed my moods and feelings to dictate the way I lived.  I have learned best by His creation showing me that the beautiful blue sky is ALWAYS above the clouds.  The clouds are temporary - here today and gone tomorrow - so don't focus on something that has no permanence.  Focus on what is never changing.  So that day, as I felt the clouds and my cancer oppressing me, I came home and renewed my focus on the never changing, permanent Lord.  My trust is in the Lord.  He is worthy of my obedience.  Over and over He tells me, "DO NOT FEAR" and "BE ANXIOUS FOR NOTHING".  I will trust what He says and in obedience, do what He says.  I love my Lord and my desire is to glorify Him always.  That brings me joy.